Anxiety, Friendship, and Insecurity
This post has been kicking around in my head for a while now. My emotions have been closer to the surface lately - which can be both good and bad. For a couple of weeks last month it was a bad thing and I found myself crying at pretty much everything and feeling alone and friendless even when I was surrounded by people. You'd think I'd be better at making friends after almost forty years of moving and having to form new connections at each new place. Instead, the older I get, the more difficult the process becomes.
Even after I make friends deep down I question if we're really friends. I think these feelings of insecurity are part of what makes me willing to do almost anything for my friends. If I do nice things for you maybe you'll continue to tolerate my presence? I think I do a pretty good job hiding my insanity. I can fake confidence really well - smiling and laughing and making small talk. And then I go home and overanalyze and question every little thing I said or did.
These intrusive thoughts and feelings - that no one really likes me because I'm unlikeable, that the things I say sound stupid, that I talk too much or not enough or about the wrong thing, that people are only being nice to me to be polite or because they feel sorry for me - they come and go every few years. I remember attending the adult session of Stake Conference in Maryland and feeling so out of place and alone that tears were building up in my eyes and it was all I could do to continue sitting in my seat instead of standing up and running far, far away. There have been times when I question if my husband and family members even enjoy spending time with me and these are people who love me. The thing is, I know I'm being irrational when I start thinking this way but understanding that and turning those feelings off are not the same thing.
That's where I was for part of September. Feeling alone and without friends and questioning every social interaction. It was pretty miserable. After this latest bout of insecurity, I spent some time trying to get to the root of it all with the goal of fixing myself. I'm not sure if I've really found a solution but I do think I found a cause - anxiety. Which is strange to me because I've never really considered myself to be a particularly anxious person. I have a generally optimistic outlook on life and feel that even when things aren't going well they'll all work out in the end. I can handle stressful situations and I'm not unwilling to try new things or go new places. But I'm starting to see how anxiety plays a role in how I approach life and next time it rears its ugly head (sometime in 2020 given the pattern I seem to follow) I'm hoping I can shut it down much more quickly!
p.s. I did not write this because I am looking for affirmations or declarations of friendship. I just needed to get it out of my head. If you're taking the time to read this little blog I know we're friends!
Even after I make friends deep down I question if we're really friends. I think these feelings of insecurity are part of what makes me willing to do almost anything for my friends. If I do nice things for you maybe you'll continue to tolerate my presence? I think I do a pretty good job hiding my insanity. I can fake confidence really well - smiling and laughing and making small talk. And then I go home and overanalyze and question every little thing I said or did.
These intrusive thoughts and feelings - that no one really likes me because I'm unlikeable, that the things I say sound stupid, that I talk too much or not enough or about the wrong thing, that people are only being nice to me to be polite or because they feel sorry for me - they come and go every few years. I remember attending the adult session of Stake Conference in Maryland and feeling so out of place and alone that tears were building up in my eyes and it was all I could do to continue sitting in my seat instead of standing up and running far, far away. There have been times when I question if my husband and family members even enjoy spending time with me and these are people who love me. The thing is, I know I'm being irrational when I start thinking this way but understanding that and turning those feelings off are not the same thing.
That's where I was for part of September. Feeling alone and without friends and questioning every social interaction. It was pretty miserable. After this latest bout of insecurity, I spent some time trying to get to the root of it all with the goal of fixing myself. I'm not sure if I've really found a solution but I do think I found a cause - anxiety. Which is strange to me because I've never really considered myself to be a particularly anxious person. I have a generally optimistic outlook on life and feel that even when things aren't going well they'll all work out in the end. I can handle stressful situations and I'm not unwilling to try new things or go new places. But I'm starting to see how anxiety plays a role in how I approach life and next time it rears its ugly head (sometime in 2020 given the pattern I seem to follow) I'm hoping I can shut it down much more quickly!
p.s. I did not write this because I am looking for affirmations or declarations of friendship. I just needed to get it out of my head. If you're taking the time to read this little blog I know we're friends!
It is interesting that your anxiety shows up every 3 years or so. My sister always said that she had (has) anxiety and I didn't really know what that was like until she came and stayed with me for 5 days when we lived in Monterey. It is like there is this other person with her all the time that controls how she reacts to different scenarios. I could FEEL it come to her. -If that makes any sense? I get anxiety in the form of whenever I have to leave my house. It started in Germany, and has been a BLAST to deal with in Russia... I think your confession makes me love you even more. Sometimes I forget that we show everyone our best selves while we secretly are hot messes inside (or at home). You have always projected an aura of confidence and of awesomeness that made me think that there were very few things that didn't ever go your way. You have been blessed with a lot of talents, and you help bless the lives of those around you, with them. You are also a confident person. Know that not only can anxiety high-jack your life, but know of the threat that your happiness is to Satan. He is just waiting to place feelings of self-doubt in your mind and in your heart. I know that you have probably already figured this out by yourself through your therapeutic journaling. I just wanted to second what you said, and let you know that I love you and am grateful for your friendship even though we are so far apart. You, my friend, seem very "normal" to me...! :D
ReplyDeleteJody! If you could just move to England and be my neighbor that would be great. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend and I love the advice you've given me here. I definitely need to remember that it's Satan who plants those seeds of self-doubt and insecurity in my mind. Love you!
DeleteThank you for sharing. I felt like I was reading about myself! It started more for me in Germany and I have't been able to kick it even though I know I'm loved. It does come and go and that's the frustrating part! I'm sure getting old contributes but that scares me too. I've learned a lot about myself but still have not been able to kick it.
ReplyDeleteI love you, you are not alone!!!
Thanks Melissa! I love you too and am grateful for the chance I had to get to know you. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way!
DeleteOh Sarah Sarah, you nailed it right on the head. I think we would all be so surprised at how many of us feel these same feelings all the time. You have always intrigued me. My OWN insecurities kept me from being the kind of friend I wanted to be with you. Keep being who you are, just beautiful. Love you.
ReplyDeleteAnd my insecurities kept me from reaching out and being a better friend when we lived near each other. I remember thinking that you already had a group of friends so why even bother? Missed opportunities. Thanks for being so sweet!
DeleteAwe! That makes me so sad. There is always room for more. However, I 100% understand how you feel because I've felt that way the past 1 1/2 years since we moved. I was hoping it would not take this long.
DeleteEverything I know of you says you are very smart and wise and good and true! I enjoyed reading your blog and yes, many of us struggle with various forms of anxiety. Lately I have been wrapping my worries up in brown paper (figuratively speaking) and labeling them as the Lord's burden and then giving them to him. I think it is helping me!
ReplyDeleteI appreciated reading this and it reminded me of times when I also have felt friendless--like if I really needed help with something, or I was struggling with something, who would I even call?! These thoughts usually occur within the first six months of moving to a new area, but six months is a long time to be hoping to find at least one good friend! I know that people go years, though, and that must be extremely difficult. Your blog also reminded me of the lyrics of a hymn that says, "...in the quiet heart is hidden sorrows that the eye can't see." We all have them and it is important that we don't assume that other people have it all going for them. Everyone needs kindness, to hear sincere compliments, and to feel loved and needed. I have found, though, that when I am looking out for ways to lift others, I feel less lonely. And I am grateful to you for letting me spend the day with you in German learning how to make bread and making a skirt. Thank you again for sharing your talents! And... (drumroll)... I finally finished the skirt and Emily LOVES it.
ReplyDeleteJulianna you are a sweetheart and I'm so glad we were able to connect in Germany. I'd forgotten about our day sewing and making bread! That was fun for me and it's wonderful to hear that Emily loves her skirt. I've always looked up to you for your kindness and your ability to make others feel special. Thanks for doing that for me today!
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