The D Word
Deployment is one of those necessary evils in military life. Luckily we've not had to deal with it very much over the past twenty-one years. We're just one month away from the end of deployment number two. For those of us who have been left behind at home, it's actually been a pretty easy deployment. You'd have to ask Jared whether or not he'd say the same thing! The fact that Jared is in a location where he is not harm's way every day and that we can visit has certainly contributed to that feeling. I'm currently in the middle of my fourth and final trip to Sicily and am typing this from the comfort of Jared's hotel suite, his home for the past five months.
Despite the differences between Jared's first deployment and his current one, the emotions that I've cycled through during his time away have been surprisingly similar both times. It starts before your spouse even leaves with good old fashioned stress because there's a lot to do and a lot to think about leading up to a deployment. Power of attorney. Updated wills. Plans for handling finances. How will we stay in touch while separated. Who's going to take over the household chores he usually does? Add to that the ever present thought that the person you love and need more than anyone else in the universe is leaving for six months, and you've got a perfect storm of stress and anxiety that often shows itself (at least in me) as impatience and just general irritability. All this stress and crankiness are rolling around inside me and that brings all my emotions right to the surface and it takes next to nothing to trigger tears. Touching commercial? Silent tears rolling down my face. Cute older couple holding hands at the temple? Practically weeping. Anything and everything would make me cry. Poor Jared has to be around me while I'm just a mess emotionally. And he has to be around me because in addition to feeling all the feels, I want my life to be all Jared all the time.
Eventually I switch gears from stressed and weepy to straight annoyed at all things deployment. The house becomes overrun with deployment gear. Looking at one more gorilla box overflowing with ABUs was going to make me scream. We've answered all the questions and taken care of all the paperwork. I'm ready to say goodbye so we can start counting down to welcome home so I kind of secretly wish he would go ahead and leave already. Once there is finally a date, a solid date for departure, I take that secret wish back. My new wish is that he doesn't go, will never go, and will stay home forever. Maybe that we'll run away together so we never have to be apart. Departure day is rough. It's alternating between ugly crying and feeling numb. It's taking a rip the bandaid off approach to the actual goodbye so that I can go home and self-medicate with chocolate and Netflix.
After a one or two day pity party it's time to get busy. Nothing makes a deployment fly by like going nonstop, all day, every day. It's time to hustle. Jared's first deployment it was exercise and going to college. This time it's been volunteer work at the kid's schools. Household projects suddenly take on a level of importance never before seen. We've rearranged two rooms, added new area rugs to two other rooms, and cleared out more junk than I even knew we had. All to stay busy and make the time pass more quickly. It works, we're almost to the end of this deployment and it feels as if Jared just left.
Both times before Jared deployed I had big plans for care packages. Cute, themed, Pinterest board plans. And I started off strong. The first package is easy because you just fill it with stuff he forgot to take with him when he left. Any holiday is simple enough, just send a box filled with themed treats! But by the halfway point I've usually reached care package burnout. That's when you're just done. There's no more cute ideas and those customs forms are a pain in the rear to fill out. I'll make you homemade cookies when you get home, but I'm not putting some in a box and mailing them your way.
Murphy's Law is usually alive and well during a deployment. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Most of the time it goes something like this - the kids are all puking, and then you're puking, and then the car has a flat tire or won't start, and then a pipe bursts and all of that happens in the space of a week or so. Really, it's just normal life and stuff like that is just as likely to happen when your spouse is home but your defenses are down and it's ten times harder to handle without losing your mind. The upside to this particular part of deployment is that it has taught me just how strong, capable, and independent I can be. We got married not three months after I graduated from high school. I've never been an adult without Jared by my side. Finding out that I really could do hard things was a huge blessing.
The tail end of a deployment is when those competing emotions come back. We're almost there right now and I expect it to really hit when I get back home after this visit to Sicily. That last month both lasts forever and passes in an instant. It's exciting beyond belief, but I also feel anxious and nervous. I got used to doing things on my own and doing them my way. I watch what I want on Netflix, stay up ridiculously late, and have picnic dinners in the living room with the kids way too often. How will Jared fit back into our daily family life? Will he be okay with how I've handled things while he's been gone? Will I be able to sleep with someone in the bed again? So many questions and so much uncertainty mixed in with such extreme excitement. It's a strange time. The last few days are a whirlwind of house cleaning, Netflix series watching, laundry folding, outfit picking, sign making, and let's be honest here, leg shaving. And then the day finally arrives! Suddenly anxiety and nerves are replaced with happiness, joy, jubilation, glee, and delight.
Deployment is a bit of a roller coaster and I'm too old for roller coasters anymore. They give me headaches and make me sick to my stomach; being away from Jared for such a long time brings surprisingly similar feelings. What did I miss about deployment fellow military spouses?
Despite the differences between Jared's first deployment and his current one, the emotions that I've cycled through during his time away have been surprisingly similar both times. It starts before your spouse even leaves with good old fashioned stress because there's a lot to do and a lot to think about leading up to a deployment. Power of attorney. Updated wills. Plans for handling finances. How will we stay in touch while separated. Who's going to take over the household chores he usually does? Add to that the ever present thought that the person you love and need more than anyone else in the universe is leaving for six months, and you've got a perfect storm of stress and anxiety that often shows itself (at least in me) as impatience and just general irritability. All this stress and crankiness are rolling around inside me and that brings all my emotions right to the surface and it takes next to nothing to trigger tears. Touching commercial? Silent tears rolling down my face. Cute older couple holding hands at the temple? Practically weeping. Anything and everything would make me cry. Poor Jared has to be around me while I'm just a mess emotionally. And he has to be around me because in addition to feeling all the feels, I want my life to be all Jared all the time.
Eventually I switch gears from stressed and weepy to straight annoyed at all things deployment. The house becomes overrun with deployment gear. Looking at one more gorilla box overflowing with ABUs was going to make me scream. We've answered all the questions and taken care of all the paperwork. I'm ready to say goodbye so we can start counting down to welcome home so I kind of secretly wish he would go ahead and leave already. Once there is finally a date, a solid date for departure, I take that secret wish back. My new wish is that he doesn't go, will never go, and will stay home forever. Maybe that we'll run away together so we never have to be apart. Departure day is rough. It's alternating between ugly crying and feeling numb. It's taking a rip the bandaid off approach to the actual goodbye so that I can go home and self-medicate with chocolate and Netflix.
After a one or two day pity party it's time to get busy. Nothing makes a deployment fly by like going nonstop, all day, every day. It's time to hustle. Jared's first deployment it was exercise and going to college. This time it's been volunteer work at the kid's schools. Household projects suddenly take on a level of importance never before seen. We've rearranged two rooms, added new area rugs to two other rooms, and cleared out more junk than I even knew we had. All to stay busy and make the time pass more quickly. It works, we're almost to the end of this deployment and it feels as if Jared just left.
Both times before Jared deployed I had big plans for care packages. Cute, themed, Pinterest board plans. And I started off strong. The first package is easy because you just fill it with stuff he forgot to take with him when he left. Any holiday is simple enough, just send a box filled with themed treats! But by the halfway point I've usually reached care package burnout. That's when you're just done. There's no more cute ideas and those customs forms are a pain in the rear to fill out. I'll make you homemade cookies when you get home, but I'm not putting some in a box and mailing them your way.
Murphy's Law is usually alive and well during a deployment. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Most of the time it goes something like this - the kids are all puking, and then you're puking, and then the car has a flat tire or won't start, and then a pipe bursts and all of that happens in the space of a week or so. Really, it's just normal life and stuff like that is just as likely to happen when your spouse is home but your defenses are down and it's ten times harder to handle without losing your mind. The upside to this particular part of deployment is that it has taught me just how strong, capable, and independent I can be. We got married not three months after I graduated from high school. I've never been an adult without Jared by my side. Finding out that I really could do hard things was a huge blessing.
The tail end of a deployment is when those competing emotions come back. We're almost there right now and I expect it to really hit when I get back home after this visit to Sicily. That last month both lasts forever and passes in an instant. It's exciting beyond belief, but I also feel anxious and nervous. I got used to doing things on my own and doing them my way. I watch what I want on Netflix, stay up ridiculously late, and have picnic dinners in the living room with the kids way too often. How will Jared fit back into our daily family life? Will he be okay with how I've handled things while he's been gone? Will I be able to sleep with someone in the bed again? So many questions and so much uncertainty mixed in with such extreme excitement. It's a strange time. The last few days are a whirlwind of house cleaning, Netflix series watching, laundry folding, outfit picking, sign making, and let's be honest here, leg shaving. And then the day finally arrives! Suddenly anxiety and nerves are replaced with happiness, joy, jubilation, glee, and delight.
Deployment is a bit of a roller coaster and I'm too old for roller coasters anymore. They give me headaches and make me sick to my stomach; being away from Jared for such a long time brings surprisingly similar feelings. What did I miss about deployment fellow military spouses?
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| Jared at Camp Bucca, Iraq in 2008 |
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